1:05am 12/31/15 NYE
Laying in our California King bed, on the edge, because my giant 6’5″ husband and our 20-month-old son (who sleeps like he’s making a perpetual snow angel) have claimed 95% of the sleeping space. It wasn’t intentional and they are so freakin-amazing and beyond adorable, it’s impossible to be mad. So here I am, weighing my options:
a) make the most of my 5% and go to sleep
b) try to move Littleman and risk waking him up -OR-
c) enjoy this rare moment of silence and WRITE
When in doubt, pick C…
As I lay here, uncomfortably in the dark, tapping away on my iPhone, I’m realizing a few things.
#1 There are crumbs in our sheets
I don’t know what kind of crumbs. I don’t remember eating a sandwich in bed. I can’t imagine what non-food item produces crumbs. What the heck– where did these come from? And PS, I just realized that I hate the feeling of crumbs on my legs. It really is just a gross feeling.
One thing is for certain though, however these crumbs came to be, it had something to do with either my husband or his mini-me.
The same hubby-son duo who just ripped the covers off me, so now I’m occupying 5% of the bed, COLD, counting crumbs– there must be at least a dozen.
It couldn’t have been my son because I was watching him like a hawk all day.
(Suspect #2) My husband has been in bed with the flu the past couple of days. He’s been absolutely miserable with all the standard miserable flu stuff… yet now as I reflect on the day, I’m remembering a few non-miserable, noteworthy moments for him.
Around 2pm, He smiled at me so sweetly… you know THE smile, the way a boy smiles at a girl he really likes.
He told me he loved me. A few times.
He prayed with me before we went to sleep… and (oh ya) after dinner, I remember him looking at my butt when I walked by.
He’s really checking me out as if he hasn’t been looking at the same butt every. single. day. for the past however many days?
My husband is awesome. And on a random Wednesday when he’s sickasadog, I see that he loves me. I feel it. And if he wants to sneak a cracker or sandwich or Godforbid whatever other crumb-dispensing snack he’s craving, then fine. Without my husband, these crumbs probably wouldn’t be here, and that makes me welcome these gross little nasties with open arms.
#2 It’s New Years Eve and I haven’t made any resolutions
Which is super weird for me because I ALWAYS make resolutions and as a huge goal setter, I take them seriously.
Speaking of bizarre behavior, I also didn’t post any of our Christmas pictures on Facebook yet, which if you know me, you know a posting hiatus around the holidays… never happens.
What’s wrong with me?! Bare with me as I sort this out.
Remember how awesome it was when we were kids to “go out and play”? Remember running in the sprinklers or (in our house at least) making up dance routines to perform in the living room? The fun, free stuff that made being a kid so awesome.
Well, where I am in my life right now is a lot like a time warp back to that place. The same magic.
Update: in nonmagical news, my 5% of bed space just went down to 3%.
For the first time in my life, I’m not focused on my next step… and though foreign, this (unexpected) mindshift is allowing me to recognize the beauty of being present, that maybe I’ve been too busy to see until now. I still have specific goals and a lot of things in progress… many areas I want to grow in — but right now, it’s just different. I’m savoring my NOW in a way that I never knew how to before. I’m happy with where I am, in every way.
I can hear it now: must be nice!
But really, I think we all can be truly content with our NOW… I believe it takes a series of decisions that aren’t always easy, but it’s possible.
And maybe the decisions are different for everybody, but for me, the most vital crossroad has been my decision to follow God. His plan for us in the Bible is so contrary to what society teaches us, yet so rewarding and superlative.
Every ounce of peace I own today is because I choose to follow God’s word, end of story. My life isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But I’ve found the secret to being CONTENT.
Another key for me this year has been being willing to sacrifice things that I love, so I can enjoy the life I’m called to live. Does that make sense? Sometimes the best decision is to let go of a good thing. This year I chose to let go of a big LOVE so that I could nurture an even bigger one. I have no regrets and if given a do-over, I’d make the same painful decision. Because sacrifice is good. It’s necessary.
More on that subject down the line…
Maybe the biggest lesson I’m learning, and yet another reason why I’m holding on to my NOW, is that it’s okay to be imperfect, unfinished and unchecked. I’ve spent my whole life making my dreams come true– I want a break. It’s time to enjoy my dreams and let my new unfinished dreams be unfinished until I finish them. In the meantime, I want to savor every second I have, exactly as my life is today… because NOW is worth celebrating. Now is everything.
So no resolutions this year. I just wanna be here. In my crumb filled, cold, tiny sleep space… next to my two guys (who happen to be sleeping in the exact same position).
Cheers to this moment, my now.